goodbye twenty fifteen.

Well, it's the end of another year, another fast year and I'm not sure how I feel about the whole ordeal really. I'm not desperate for the year to end but I'm not desperate for it to continue past 365 days, it's been an average year, starting off pretty poor but picking up around the middle.

At the start of the year, I said I wanted to do more and I think overall I've succeeded...

Rest More 
I definitely didn't do less, but I made sure that if I needed a day off, I had one, or if my brain was telling me to stay in bed for a day (or in a couple of cases, a few days) I did. I still filled my time too much, but overall I think I did alright with that resolution.

Read More
I absolutely smashed this one in comparison to the past few years, and I'm pretty sure I reached my target of 12 books, and I've definitely rekindled my love for getting lost in a book as easily as I can get lost in music.

Do More
Well, 2015 was the year the adventures started... There were many day trips out and mini adventures with friends and family, including a couple of days away with a friend to Selsey, a trip with Kieron and Lai in Edinburgh (wow what an experience that was), a weekend trip to Bath and a week holiday in Weymouth with family. (However, the exercise part of that resolution was unsuccessful...)

Create More
A difficult one to measure... Because of my creative writing course at sixth form, yes I created more and Music In Time Blog's blog posts have gone up to three blog posts a week, so in that sense, yes I've created more this year, and I attempted VEDA on my YouTube channel, however, the rest of the year round there have been little gaps where I didn't upload on MIT Blog and this little corner of the internet was abandoned many times, so that one needs a little work in 2016 I think...

Enjoy More
Accepting my brain can be a little crap at times happened this year, granted after I finished sixth form and was able to never see a certain few people ever again, but that allowed me to make the most of the good days and really live in those moments. It would be fair to say the turning point was August 12th when I went to the middle of a field on a hill and watched a meteor shower with two of my best friends, with exam results the following day... I've managed to truly enjoy trips around the UK and make memories with friends and family that will stay with me for a very long time, so yeah I reckon I did a good job of that one.

The first half of 2015 wasn't particularly great, I smashed my phone screen twice in one month, fell out with a teacher over the partial solar eclipse and a couple of other random events, it started picking up when I passed another A Level and finally left sixth form...
The second half of 2015 have been a big six months, travelling to Edinburgh, Bath, Weymouth, Selsey and many other places in the UK; full of live music and evenings of music chilling playing FIFA, or Articulate (depending on which group of friends I'm with), I also got to see Billy Elliot with my Dad this year, which was an incredible show and is now in my Top 3 musicals...

2015 has also been another year for lots of live music, and I finally got to go to Barn on the Farm Festival (and I've got my ticket for next year too, so that's something I'm hyped about), we went to Wembley to see Doctor Who: Symphonic Spectacular (which was incredible), I saw Rae Morris live (at last), Meadowlark and Amber Run (a couple of times), Little Comets, experienced the end of Edinburgh Fringe, Ryan Keen, S Club 7 (well three of them), The Wombats, Martin Luke Brown, Wheatus (yes I got to sing along to Teenage Dirtbag live!) and The 1975 again.

On the penultimate note of music, here's a quick summary of Music In Time Blog's 365 days... I have been asked to review James Bay's debut album, The Ordinary Boys latest album, Little May's debut album and Billie Marten's latest EP. I've interviewed Little Comets, Stacey Solomon, Lucy Spraggan, Michael Malarkey, Fred Abbot and Jess & The Bandits. And with the help from a very good friend, Tom, Music In Time went live, we had our first showcase as Music In Time Presents... and it went pretty well, there may even be a couple more in the pipeline for 2016...

As always, the last thing to say is a massive thank you to everyone (well all the wonderful people), that have been a part of my 2015...
Gran, Mum, Misty, Dad, Dave, Dave and everyone else in the fab family, for supporting me, encouraging me, keeping me sane and winding me up too...
Billy, Kieron and Lai, for all the incredible adventures in the past few months in particular, the evenings spent in the car listening to music, playing Articulate and consuming however many calories.
TJ for motivating and inspiring me everyday since 19th August. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be going on this venture with and working alongside you has been fun and annoying at times, but always know I'll probably only sulk for 20 seconds...
Jack for the chilled evenings playing FIFA and listening to sad music.
And anyone else that has got me through 2015 in a better state than previous years, little moments, BBQs, gig nights, parties, Thursdays at Theo or Mahlia's, Football Tuesdays, and many many other highlights of the year.

Thank you 2015. It's been pretty good (y)

anxiety.

.noun. 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
            2. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

Those two definitions suggest that anxiety can be a positive and negative thing. Even though now I can appreciate the positive side of anxiety (that excitement or push to do something to the best you can) before doing something; for the past few years I hadn't been able to see past the negative.
It definitely got worse over my 'exam years' but when I went to the doctors and they said 'it's normal to get worried before an exam'; I got angry because they clearly hadn't listened to the bit about not being able to get out of my bed or house somedays, stopping myself from playing cricket, sleepless nights or the several panic attacks I had over the space of four or five years. But then I gave up on myself and told myself I was being stupid and that they were right, that must be normal. When your own brain starts stopping you from doing things you enjoy, that's probably when you should do something about it, but me being me, I kept going and instead ended up in a bit of a state.

A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to write this blog and even now, I don't feel 'qualified' enough, but I think it's more of a self-realisation that I was in a really bad place. I'm by no means 'better' and my brain likes to trip me up in more ways than 'just' anxiety, but I'm not going into that, so here is a conversation with myself about anxiety, feel free to peer over my shoulder!

I saw a post somewhere a while back (and wrote it down):

"If you are ever with a person who has anxiety and they ask you to order their food for them, stand next to them when they buy something, or reassure them countless times exactly the time and place where you will be meeting them at, DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES, DO NOT SIGH IN EXASPERATION, AND DO NOT TELL THEM TO STOP BEING SO SILLY. Sometimes, it's hard to do simple things like that, and when people help us out, it means the world to us,' 

I hadn't really thought about this much before but I guess subconsciously I stopped seeing 'friends' that would say/do some of the things mentioned above in response to me asking for a bit of help when I was in an environment that would make me anxious. It became a joke that I wouldn't go to parties or go out into town when I turned 18. It also became a joke that I'd be late to my lessons in sixth form, that's if I turned up at all. My half-dazed state from only three hours sleep would become a joke that received sarky comments from teachers, amongst comments of 'cheer up' or 'you alright grumpy' from people in my classes. Everything became a joke, because it was easier to shrug it off that way.
I stopped playing cricket - the sport I'd been playing since I don't even know when - because I physically couldn't put myself through it. When I was batting, my hands would shake, my legs would become heavy, I'd become breathless and hot, my vision would become starry and then tunnelled and I'd lose focus, I'd get out without scoring any runs and that was that. I couldn't take it any more, but again it was easier to blame my dodgy joints and injury to my knee, than say my brain's the problem. I couldn't (and still can't) stay round someone's house or somewhere that isn't Mum's, Dad's or Selsey, without ticking: a lack of sleep, panic attack, having a splitting headache and being sick off my checklist of to-dos that my friend anxiety had planned out for me.

I remember a Saturday morning in November last year, I'd forced myself out of bed forty minutes before I was meant to start my shift at work and everything seemed like hard work. I loved working where I did. But that morning nothing seemed to be going right; I'd spent the majority of the morning crying or lying on my bed staring at my ceiling. I didn't eat anything because I wasn't hungry and I couldn't stomach the thought of food. Then I went into full blown meltdown mode.
That was the final straw for me, even though so much was going ok/right I'd ended up in this mess and had exhausted myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I quit my part time job, decided I was going to finish Media A Level (even if I didn't pass, I wanted to complete a subject that I'd started and enjoyed, because I hadn't managed that since GCSE) and look after myself a little more.

I've made it to the end of sixth form; I finished nearly two months ago and honestly, I'm in a better place now. Even though I still have really bad days, and life still throws curveballs at me, I haven't had a panic attack in a while, only days where anxiety is at a niggling 71% at most; those bad days are a little easier to cope with. I'm taking this summer to learn to breathe again and feel okay. I aim to have a few adventures and make some memories. I'm not going to let anxiety get in the way, I'll work alongside it and as for the other little friends that like to poke at my brain and make days difficult, well, it's time to make them those friends that you'll stop talking to slowly and nod to in the high street a few years later.

(and because I like linking everything to music, two songs that have helped me on bad days).

Up Again (Closer EP version) - Rae Morris (link)

Keep - The White Raven (link)