chapter five: may.

May has been difficult.

You know those months that drag, weighing you down with the feeling of not really getting anywhere; like being stuck out at sea, trying to swim back to shore against a relentless tide, and no matter how much effort and energy you put into swimming you never quite reach the safety of land. 

That's exactly how May has felt.

I have definitely had worse months in my life, but I think May has been my sit and think about everything month of 2016. When something happens that forces you to take time out of everything and let yourself slow down to allow time to recover, everyday things get difficult. 

Firstly, physically.

For nearly two months now, I haven't been able to walk properly. Whether that be struggling to move from my bed, on crutches, one crutch or limping around. It's been tough. As someone who's been very active, constantly playing sports and keeping on my feet, throughout my life, to then suddenly be unable to even stand on my own two feet without help has been a challenge. Strength is building up and I'm nearly there. The lack of driving and even walking has meant relying on others a lot, and for those people that have given me lifts and walked with me around and about, I thank you.

Secondly, emotionally.

I'm not one for being an emotional person, I keep to myself a lot and if I'm going to cry, it'll be once every few months, when everything has got too much. Well, I think this month everything got too much, too often. The past couple of months have been tough, and they've flown by very quickly, I've tried to keep busy and keep going; but that all caught up with me. Frustration and helplessness has been rife this past month, which has therefore led to many tears and that gets boring, and fast.

Finally, mentally.

Luckily, I've had amazing people surrounding me, without them I'm sure I would have been in a much worse state. I've also had lots of work and event planning, which has kept me on my toes and once I'd found motivation to get on and do it, kept my mind focused. However, I would be lying if I said I hadn't spent a week in bed, two times over. I've had days of intense anxiety, which hasn't been fun, but I've made it to the other side and whilst it'll never go away completely, it's back 'under control'.

May and June haven't been the best of months to me in the past, mainly thanks to exams, but I'm feeling stronger this time round. I've got through May, and now I'm tackling June head on, meetings, work, events, catching up with friends I haven't seen in quite some time, being able to drive further than twenty minutes down the road without my knee swelling up and being a pain (yes literally) and making it to 1st July and heading to a festival is all I'm focused on now.

(side note: this blog post was written in two halves, at two very different times, I apologise if it jumps, but without wanting to edit it too much, I've just kind of left it how I typed it out...)

chapter three / four: march and april.

So as always, there's been a slight delay in this blog (i mean when isn't there - you must be used to it now!)

March was another funny one, I think it was more up than it was down, which was refreshing after the past six months. I decided to take some time out and restart myself a little, I thought it worked.

Work was a really big part of March, everything started moving forward and i actually started feeling positive about where i was going with things. with a lot more work came the decision to really enjoy a week on holiday with some of the family; we stayed in a bungalow, quite literally in the middle of nowhere (picture the town that Hot Fuzz is set in...) However, all jokes aside, it was a lovely place and close enough to certain places to enjoy days out etc. and whilst we had 'typical British weather', we managed to make the most of the sun when it did make guest appearances.

Because of the work and holiday side of March taking up most of my time, I didn't really get up to much apart from an evening up in London, seeing my friends play a gig, and a birthday party, I headed to a random open mic night with a handful of friends and also saw Dani Harmer play Dorothy in an Easter panto (y).

April has been a very different story, it started well, very well; I genuinely felt like everything was starting to go okay, bad brain days were easier to get through and over, and my body was feeling the healthiest it had been for a while.
It started with lots of studio time with two bands, lots more exciting meetings, and a showcase of local and upcoming talent. Then, a dislocated knee, gas and air (which was one of the best experiences ever, might I add), an ambulance ride, x-ray, and a pair of crutches later, I've ended up with a bit of a challenge.

Don't get me wrong, I've still managed to see Newton Faulkner live, go to a couple of open mics, have a couple of trips to the coast, have a couple more meetings etc. but it's becoming increasingly hard. Everything takes a lot more effort, and not being able to drive, or even walk that far is starting to take it's toll. Motivation has always been something I've struggled with and getting out of bed has got hard again. Whilst avoiding feeling sorry for myself; I'm fed up of feeling frustrated. The motto 'everything happens for a reason' is starting to wear thin and the once actually positive humour has slowly turned into dry and harsh sarcasm; I apologise.

Onwards and upwards though, these things are supposedly sent to try us, right?

chapter two: february.

February was yet another 'up and down' kind of month; it was also spent a little bit all over the place, but I think that's just becoming a regular occurrence every month now, I'm getting used to it.

I was reminded how very fragile life can be, and how we can take things for granted, specifically having people in our individual worlds. I also learnt that the shortest month in the year, can flash past, but also feel like the longest month in the year - time is weird concept isn't it? 

Despite a lot of 'stuff' happening, I've surprised myself by managing to keep up to date with all my work (where possible), and looking back and seeing the week and a bit I spent in bed, I'm really not sure how that happened. 

Still, there were definitely highlights of February, which included my car passing it's MOT (because when you own a car and are an 'adult', that's a small little victory you take whilst you can haha). I spent the extra day of the year being extremely productive and also went out in the evening to see 'Aggers and Tuffers', which was a brilliant evening out, it was a much needed couple of hours full of laughter. 

I also went on a very last minute trip to Spain, and whilst it was an incredibly bittersweet couple of days, I did manage to enjoy moments. So here's a couple of photos from that trip... 

I also got to film with my friend Kieron (ItsKieron), so we did some tag / challenge videos for both our channels, and I also uploaded a blog post on here mid way through Feb (I told you, I'd attempt to post at least once a month, I'm sticking to it so far... only 10 more months to go... Haha) 

But I've embedded them below, so if you haven't had a chance to watch them (or want to watch them again) you can do: 

Bean Boozled Challenge (link)

Most Likely To... Qs (link)

Chubby Bunny Challenge (link)

til next time! 

 - evan :)

human's best friend.

only recently have i realised how grateful i am for dogs. a strange opening sentence you may think, but a true statement nonetheless. some are a cat person, some are a dog person, some are another kind of person, and some are none. but i am definitely a dog person.

in recent weeks i have spent more time around dogs and noticed how much of a calming effect they can have on me; they ease anxiety, lift sadness and in general bring a smile to my face. we recently adopted a rescue dog; a staffie bull terrier named Jade, and lovingly nicknamed dobby when she lifts her ears and tilts her head slightly every now and then. it's been wonderful to see how her presence has made such a difference in my sisters life, and has had a knock on effect for the rest of us too.

it's surprisingly nice to be woken up by a dog poking her head up to the side of your bed in the mornings, jumping on you for a quick cuddle and then half hour later making sure you're up and downstairs (because if you're not you're getting a wet nose all over your hand...) and throughout the day or in the evenings being good company when needed.

however, recently i've also seen another side of how having a dog can be beneficial and also kind of a sad thing too. i stayed in a house with five dogs last week, one of their owners had recently passed away and slowly you watched them sense something was up. the day we arrived they were full of energy, bouncy and lively dogs; as our visit neared the end the characteristics slowly changed and they all became more subdued and followed their other owner around a lot more, keeping them company and clearly sensing a sadness and emptiness in the air. waiting for their human to arrive back home, laying by the gate hoping they'd return once more and eventually it sinking in and lying on the sofa with a solemn glimpse in their eye.

dogs love humans just as much as we love them; and i think it's fair to say when we lose a best friend we'll be sad, but oddly i'd never thought of it from a dogs point of view. i don't know where i was going with this blog post, just appreciating dogs, life and seeing a life event through another species eyes to help my brain a little bit i think.

- til next time,
evan.

chapter one: january.

I had originally planned to put together a video for January and post that today alongside this blog post, but that's still in the process of being edited and I really don't have that many video clips from the past month, so I'm not sure that's even going to get posted?

However, here's a blog for a Sunday read...

January has been a weird month, an average month and full of ups and downs. It started productive and positive and has ended pretty much that way too, but I think it's fair to say there was a dip in the middle.
I think this is the first month in a very long time that I've managed to upload on time every day there is a blog due on Music In Time, which hopefully paves the way for the rest of the year too. I know that the same can't be said about this blog etc. but it's a starting place and I think that's what we need to focus on... :P

Music has been a huge part of the past 31 days, whether that be gigs that I've been to, the evenings spent just chilling listening to music with friends or the few songs that I've finally managed to return to and finish myself.
This last week in particular has been a good one; starting with Dad's birthday last weekend, catching up with one of the best friends for a gig on Monday, we saw Eliza and the Bear, and they were pretty incredible live! Then Wednesday I caught up with a small group of 'besties' (I hate saying that but it seemed to fit... Hah) for dinner and a quick game of articulate - we definitely know how to live!
Thursday saw me head to Camden to see another best friend play a gig with his band Risk, they did a great job considering how ill 2/3 of them were! Yesterday involved scouting about for a field to use for our next music event, and today I'm heading to see Hozier in London, which I'm pretty hyped about.

I haven't done any reading this month, well apart from a bit of Stuart Little last night... and I haven't been to the cinema or watched any particular films that have stood out, apart from Robots the other night and God Help The Girl, the latter I watched about five times in the space of one week... Although I'm enjoying Pretty Little Liars being back and watching old seasons of Hell's Kitchen... What has my life come to?

Anyways, that's it for now, expect a blog in the next 29 days, and I'll make more of an effort to do some filming every now and then in February!

Until next time!
- evan. :)

hello twenty sixteen.

hello twenty sixteen, it's nice to see you.

i'm pretty hyped for this year to be honest, i've already got tickets for a few gigs, a festival and we're already starting to make plans and grow ideas for Music In Time Presents... which is a scary but exciting prospect.

i don't really think i have any resolutions this year, just to continue on from the second half of last year, and as usual a couple of things i'd like to overcome or get done to a certain extent; from smaller things like watching specific films or reading a couple of books, to bigger things like having healthier and more regular eating patterns, continuing to control / overcome anxiety and connected brain behaviours when i get tired or stressed, being more decisive and going on at least one 'adventure'.

on the whole 'internet world' side of things, i am aiming to blog at the very least once a month, create and upload a video at the very least once a month, and regularly upload on Music In Time Blog. i'm currently struggling to come up with ideas, but i'm hoping i'll get waves of creativity throughout the year and that will fuel blog ideas etc. that i can draft. ideally, i'd like to be uploading once a week but i'm not going to pressure myself to stick to that, especially with what i'm hoping to get done this year...

happy new year to you all, and hope 2016 treats you well.

'til next time!
 - evan. :)

goodbye twenty fifteen.

Well, it's the end of another year, another fast year and I'm not sure how I feel about the whole ordeal really. I'm not desperate for the year to end but I'm not desperate for it to continue past 365 days, it's been an average year, starting off pretty poor but picking up around the middle.

At the start of the year, I said I wanted to do more and I think overall I've succeeded...

Rest More 
I definitely didn't do less, but I made sure that if I needed a day off, I had one, or if my brain was telling me to stay in bed for a day (or in a couple of cases, a few days) I did. I still filled my time too much, but overall I think I did alright with that resolution.

Read More
I absolutely smashed this one in comparison to the past few years, and I'm pretty sure I reached my target of 12 books, and I've definitely rekindled my love for getting lost in a book as easily as I can get lost in music.

Do More
Well, 2015 was the year the adventures started... There were many day trips out and mini adventures with friends and family, including a couple of days away with a friend to Selsey, a trip with Kieron and Lai in Edinburgh (wow what an experience that was), a weekend trip to Bath and a week holiday in Weymouth with family. (However, the exercise part of that resolution was unsuccessful...)

Create More
A difficult one to measure... Because of my creative writing course at sixth form, yes I created more and Music In Time Blog's blog posts have gone up to three blog posts a week, so in that sense, yes I've created more this year, and I attempted VEDA on my YouTube channel, however, the rest of the year round there have been little gaps where I didn't upload on MIT Blog and this little corner of the internet was abandoned many times, so that one needs a little work in 2016 I think...

Enjoy More
Accepting my brain can be a little crap at times happened this year, granted after I finished sixth form and was able to never see a certain few people ever again, but that allowed me to make the most of the good days and really live in those moments. It would be fair to say the turning point was August 12th when I went to the middle of a field on a hill and watched a meteor shower with two of my best friends, with exam results the following day... I've managed to truly enjoy trips around the UK and make memories with friends and family that will stay with me for a very long time, so yeah I reckon I did a good job of that one.

The first half of 2015 wasn't particularly great, I smashed my phone screen twice in one month, fell out with a teacher over the partial solar eclipse and a couple of other random events, it started picking up when I passed another A Level and finally left sixth form...
The second half of 2015 have been a big six months, travelling to Edinburgh, Bath, Weymouth, Selsey and many other places in the UK; full of live music and evenings of music chilling playing FIFA, or Articulate (depending on which group of friends I'm with), I also got to see Billy Elliot with my Dad this year, which was an incredible show and is now in my Top 3 musicals...

2015 has also been another year for lots of live music, and I finally got to go to Barn on the Farm Festival (and I've got my ticket for next year too, so that's something I'm hyped about), we went to Wembley to see Doctor Who: Symphonic Spectacular (which was incredible), I saw Rae Morris live (at last), Meadowlark and Amber Run (a couple of times), Little Comets, experienced the end of Edinburgh Fringe, Ryan Keen, S Club 7 (well three of them), The Wombats, Martin Luke Brown, Wheatus (yes I got to sing along to Teenage Dirtbag live!) and The 1975 again.

On the penultimate note of music, here's a quick summary of Music In Time Blog's 365 days... I have been asked to review James Bay's debut album, The Ordinary Boys latest album, Little May's debut album and Billie Marten's latest EP. I've interviewed Little Comets, Stacey Solomon, Lucy Spraggan, Michael Malarkey, Fred Abbot and Jess & The Bandits. And with the help from a very good friend, Tom, Music In Time went live, we had our first showcase as Music In Time Presents... and it went pretty well, there may even be a couple more in the pipeline for 2016...

As always, the last thing to say is a massive thank you to everyone (well all the wonderful people), that have been a part of my 2015...
Gran, Mum, Misty, Dad, Dave, Dave and everyone else in the fab family, for supporting me, encouraging me, keeping me sane and winding me up too...
Billy, Kieron and Lai, for all the incredible adventures in the past few months in particular, the evenings spent in the car listening to music, playing Articulate and consuming however many calories.
TJ for motivating and inspiring me everyday since 19th August. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be going on this venture with and working alongside you has been fun and annoying at times, but always know I'll probably only sulk for 20 seconds...
Jack for the chilled evenings playing FIFA and listening to sad music.
And anyone else that has got me through 2015 in a better state than previous years, little moments, BBQs, gig nights, parties, Thursdays at Theo or Mahlia's, Football Tuesdays, and many many other highlights of the year.

Thank you 2015. It's been pretty good (y)

september and october.

September was a really weird month, a great month don't get me wrong, but an odd one. It started with me having a cold in Edinburgh, surrounded by a group of creative and wonderful people, and it ended with another cold in Surrey, surrounded by a different group of creative and wonderful people. I think it would be fair to say September was busy, productive and full of work.

I can't say that August was any more normal, nor October and I'm not sure November or even December are going to be 'normal' either, but I guess that all comes down to the fact that normal for me used to be going to school / college every day or having it on my mind for the last 15 years of my life and now I'm out in the big, wide world.

It's fair to say thinking about the future got too much, scared the crap out of me and left me a little burned-out. However, being surrounded by those creative and wonderful people, I briefly mentioned in the intro to this blog, I've been calmed down, pulled together and I think it's fair to say I'm safely back on my feet. So thank you to those few, you know who you are!

Music played a huge part of September 2015, in more ways than one. Whenever my mind starts to wander, get me to live music and it'll find it's way back again. If there's one thing I'm going to take away from the past months, it's that when people may let you down, music never will. To be honest, I knew this already but it has now been proven and noted in my list of stuff learnt outside of school... (but that leads onto two other blog posts...)

It's not often you can say you spent a whole week scouting open mics, seeing Ryan Keen in London and then saw S Club 7 (well three of them) on a night out in town - oh yeah, I actually went out for a full night, like left when the club turned the lights up - that wouldn't have happened a couple of months ago! All the adventures and fun of September could of course catch up with me and give me a massive slap across the face, and I'm sure this cold is some kind of punishment already, however, the next couple of months I've got an event to focus on and one that I'm hoping will be the start of bigger and better things! I'm excited.

I leave September and say thank you for the things you have taught me, about music, friends, productivity and creativity. I thank you for helping me find my feet again, and focusing my mind too, don't let others distract you, and don't feel guilty for having a down day, just get back up and fight the next.

(skip forward a month)... Music also played a huge part of October and I ventured to Bath with some friends too for a weekend and November sees me go on a weeks holiday, that I'm really looking forward to, and feel like I deserve to be honest. I've got my camera all set for some photos and videos whilst I'm away, so maybe expect a little blog post about that...

I've been kept on my feet the past couple of months and I don't mean this to sound a dramatic as it does, but I currently feel like I've got something to get out of bed for. I'm working on a big project which I'm hoping will come together and be a success, because if it doesn't I'm going to have to rethink my whole Plan C in life... but I'm telling myself I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...

Being surrounded by wonderful people in the past two months and keeping the amount of people that can annoy me to a realistic minimum has really inspired, as well as helped me. So thank you to the few people that have stuck with me recently.

'til next time! 

- evan :) 

a trip to: edinburgh.

Please forgive me for abandoning this corner of the internet (yet again!) If you follow this blog's Facebook page you may have known that I attempted VEDA (video every day in august), although I didn't upload every day, I did create a video every day for 23 days... Yes, I still 'failed', however, I got ill and ended up coughing, sneezing and sleeping in bed for a couple of days, so decided to take a week and a half completely off, no blogs, no emails, no videos etc.
It worked out pretty well as my friend Kieron and I went on a trip up to Edinburgh and I was able to really enjoy a few days away with two of my best friends (cheesy but very true!). There was lots of music, long walks, late nights and laughter! 

Whilst we were there, we made the most of the last couple of days of Fringe, Sunday was spent exploring Edinburgh whilst also enjoying music and entertainment from some really talented people. Monday included a trek up to Arthur's Seat; the view from the top was beautiful and you could see 360° which is always a plus! We spent the afternoon chilling and decided on trying a deep fried mars bar between us, because we didn't fancy haggis... and we watched the ever eventful VMAs, then headed in the evening to watch the closing fireworks of Fringe etc. 
Tuesday, we headed out on a bus tour, which was a brilliant way to see the city as well as learn about the history behind everything. I knew there was a lot of history to Edinburgh, but I didn't realise quite how much. Well known people linked to Edinburgh include Rabbie Burns, Burke & Hare, investigations of Jekkyl & Hyde, Deacon Brodie, Sir Walter Scott, Alexander Graham Bell, Charles Darwin, James Young Simpson (discovered the anaesthetic properties of chloroform), as well as the wonderful story of Greyfriars Bobby and many more. In the evening, we headed out with Lai and Theo to support them at one of their local open mic nights, and it was really nice to hear a mix of 'open mic material', from different genres of music, spoken word, comedy etc. 
Our last day in Edinburgh, included an 'end of trip' breakfast at The Caffeine Drip, a South African cafe and bakery, which was delicious. Then headed home for about 12 hours... 

It was a really great trip overall and somewhere I really want to visit again, seen a couple of museums and places I would like to check out, like The Writers Museum, Dynamic Earth and one of their ghost tours, all of which looked/sounded really interesting. 

Aaaaaaaand as per, here's some of my favourite photos from the trip...

 

'til next time! 
- evan. 

july favourites.

I haven't uploaded one of these for a good few months, however, I've just had my birthday and felt there were actually a couple of things I wanted to share the love for with you (plus the post I was going to upload wasn't coming together and I wasn't enjoying how deep it was going... so here's a light read for you!) Here are five of my favourite things from this month, in no particular order!

1. Billy Elliot: The Musical

I went to see this as my birthday present from my Dad, and boy was it good! I love the film and have been pretty set on seeing the theatre production, as it's one on my 'theatre bucket list'. Yes, I have a theatre bucket list... 

Anyway, it was really brought to life on stage and there was a good mix of everything, funny bits, sad bits, singing, dancing, and acting. I also enjoyed the technical side, from the staging to the set, to puppetry to prop use. Can you tell I did GCSE Drama? Pfft. But still, it was a really good show and one I'd love to see again, and I will be getting the soundtrack on CD, to go alongside Joseph and Wicked, yes, it was that good! 

2. Posters

This may seem like an odd one and thinking about it, it probably is! However, for a fair amount of time I'd left my bedroom walls to become bare, posters, art and photos had slowly fallen and I hadn't put them back up, just left them in a heap on the top of my bookshelf. I've FINALLY sorted out all my posters and everything back onto my walls and it's feeling like 'my bedroom' again, with my maps, doctor who quotes, band and artists dotted around, I have plastered 'me' all over my white walls again. 

3. Inside Out

As part of my birthday each year, it's become tradition to go and see a film, and in more recent years, that has included Toy Story 3 and Monsters University... So keeping with tradition and that, this year I headed to see Inside Out. My inner Disney Pixar nerd was feeling all the feels (excuse the on-topic pun...) It's a great film and again, it's got something for everyone, which is one thing I will always love Disney Pixar for... their ability to target all ages. There's a few scenes, which I feel could have been done better, but then again, isn't there always? Definitely would recommend anyone going to see it, makes everyone understand their brain a little better I think :) 

4. Vinyls

I've done it. I've gone and fallen for vinyls. I loved them anyway, nothing beats the raw and old school sound of a vinyl. But I now own a record player and two vinyls... 'Bon Iver' by Bon Iver and 'Back To Black' by Amy Winehouse, attempting to grow that collection slowly but surely, as I only want certain albums on record etc. but it'll get there :) 

5. Amy Winehouse

From the days of 'Frank' to the days that will never be. Amy Winehouse will always be at the top of my favourite artists and favourite people lists. I recently went and saw 'Amy', the film/documentary all about her and unfortunately all the speculation following her addictions and death. It was a hard watch, and I left feeling even more frustrated and angry at the media and her Dad, which I didn't think was possible, but apparently it is! Another brilliant watch and as I mentioned previously I've now got her second album on vinyl, which has been getting many spins recently, as well as quotes of hers being taped onto my desk as inspiration for projects. *sighs* yet another talent and wonderful person gone way too soon. 

Our Day Will Come - Amy Winehouse (link)

What have you been loving recently? 

anxiety.

.noun. 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
            2. strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.

Those two definitions suggest that anxiety can be a positive and negative thing. Even though now I can appreciate the positive side of anxiety (that excitement or push to do something to the best you can) before doing something; for the past few years I hadn't been able to see past the negative.
It definitely got worse over my 'exam years' but when I went to the doctors and they said 'it's normal to get worried before an exam'; I got angry because they clearly hadn't listened to the bit about not being able to get out of my bed or house somedays, stopping myself from playing cricket, sleepless nights or the several panic attacks I had over the space of four or five years. But then I gave up on myself and told myself I was being stupid and that they were right, that must be normal. When your own brain starts stopping you from doing things you enjoy, that's probably when you should do something about it, but me being me, I kept going and instead ended up in a bit of a state.

A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to write this blog and even now, I don't feel 'qualified' enough, but I think it's more of a self-realisation that I was in a really bad place. I'm by no means 'better' and my brain likes to trip me up in more ways than 'just' anxiety, but I'm not going into that, so here is a conversation with myself about anxiety, feel free to peer over my shoulder!

I saw a post somewhere a while back (and wrote it down):

"If you are ever with a person who has anxiety and they ask you to order their food for them, stand next to them when they buy something, or reassure them countless times exactly the time and place where you will be meeting them at, DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES, DO NOT SIGH IN EXASPERATION, AND DO NOT TELL THEM TO STOP BEING SO SILLY. Sometimes, it's hard to do simple things like that, and when people help us out, it means the world to us,' 

I hadn't really thought about this much before but I guess subconsciously I stopped seeing 'friends' that would say/do some of the things mentioned above in response to me asking for a bit of help when I was in an environment that would make me anxious. It became a joke that I wouldn't go to parties or go out into town when I turned 18. It also became a joke that I'd be late to my lessons in sixth form, that's if I turned up at all. My half-dazed state from only three hours sleep would become a joke that received sarky comments from teachers, amongst comments of 'cheer up' or 'you alright grumpy' from people in my classes. Everything became a joke, because it was easier to shrug it off that way.
I stopped playing cricket - the sport I'd been playing since I don't even know when - because I physically couldn't put myself through it. When I was batting, my hands would shake, my legs would become heavy, I'd become breathless and hot, my vision would become starry and then tunnelled and I'd lose focus, I'd get out without scoring any runs and that was that. I couldn't take it any more, but again it was easier to blame my dodgy joints and injury to my knee, than say my brain's the problem. I couldn't (and still can't) stay round someone's house or somewhere that isn't Mum's, Dad's or Selsey, without ticking: a lack of sleep, panic attack, having a splitting headache and being sick off my checklist of to-dos that my friend anxiety had planned out for me.

I remember a Saturday morning in November last year, I'd forced myself out of bed forty minutes before I was meant to start my shift at work and everything seemed like hard work. I loved working where I did. But that morning nothing seemed to be going right; I'd spent the majority of the morning crying or lying on my bed staring at my ceiling. I didn't eat anything because I wasn't hungry and I couldn't stomach the thought of food. Then I went into full blown meltdown mode.
That was the final straw for me, even though so much was going ok/right I'd ended up in this mess and had exhausted myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I quit my part time job, decided I was going to finish Media A Level (even if I didn't pass, I wanted to complete a subject that I'd started and enjoyed, because I hadn't managed that since GCSE) and look after myself a little more.

I've made it to the end of sixth form; I finished nearly two months ago and honestly, I'm in a better place now. Even though I still have really bad days, and life still throws curveballs at me, I haven't had a panic attack in a while, only days where anxiety is at a niggling 71% at most; those bad days are a little easier to cope with. I'm taking this summer to learn to breathe again and feel okay. I aim to have a few adventures and make some memories. I'm not going to let anxiety get in the way, I'll work alongside it and as for the other little friends that like to poke at my brain and make days difficult, well, it's time to make them those friends that you'll stop talking to slowly and nod to in the high street a few years later.

(and because I like linking everything to music, two songs that have helped me on bad days).

Up Again (Closer EP version) - Rae Morris (link)

Keep - The White Raven (link)

inspiration.

.noun. the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. 

Inspiration is a funny thing. It comes in waves, all at once or not at all and it can be found in the smallest and weirdest of places. Recently, creativity has been lacking, I feel that is partly down to the majority of ideas I put into my creative writing coursework, but I think I’d be lying to myself if I said it wasn’t to do with a lack of motivation in general too.

My other blog is now getting a little bigger, content is being shared more often and maybe I got a little sucked into that repetitive structured way of those music blogs I write, as I was lacking structure in my everyday life after finishing sixth form. 

Inspiration hasn’t exactly dried up completely and the amount of random words and sentences I’ve strung together and written down in random notebooks and on scraps of paper are actually a bit ridiculous. However, I haven’t had the motivation to actually type them up and share them with anyone. I’m slowly getting there with things in general (that’s coming in a future blog…) and I feel a ‘proper’ regular return to this blog is actually on its way. I don’t want to make any promises and at the same time I don’t want to apologise for not posting, because I’d rather share something I’m proud of and okay with sharing rather than some half-arsed crap attempt at writing something that’s come from my brain and doesn’t make any sense at all and isn’t really worthwhile sharing with anyone.

The first step of that has been making sure my brain is in the right place again; second has been working my brain a little, reading more often and watching things that get me inspired creatively, (Bertie Gilbert shorts, ThisBeDottie's YouTube videos, Submarine and Where The Wild Things Are) and writing everyday. Third was drafting those poems, thoughts and random ramblings into something that actually makes sense and finally having the confidence in my own writing and believing that it was good enough to upload and share then that post.

This is the first of those and hopefully more will follow, there may be a surge of posts from me, and then they will more than likely slow to once or twice a week; and the content will be honest and hopefully have a little more substance to them than those previously. I want to use my A Levels to get somewhere, but I don’t want to go the usual way about that. Uni isn’t for me, definitely not at the minute anyway, and if I change my mind that option will –hopefully – still be there a few years down the line; but for now I’m focusing on stepping out of my comfort zone and finding a new one.  

(I’m not sure if that last point made any sense and I probably jumped back and forth from point to point in this blog, but this is me saying I’m back and I’m going to be taking one day at a time.)

#SwingTheVote

I'm not one of those big bloggers or youtubers working with companies to encourage people - specifically young people - to vote in this general election. However, I'm 18, a first-time voter and strongly believe, everyone that can, should vote.

On the 7th May, there is a General Election and it's looking like it'll be the closest we've had. Young people in the 18-24 year old bracket can swing the vote, as can women, both groups unfortunately make up a big proportion of non-voters.

Throughout history certain people have gone through a lot to gain the right to vote, and I feel that we shouldn't let that go to waste. However, we're also not taught a lot in school about how to vote, what policies to think about, what parties we can vote for etc. alongside that note, I'd like to say that there are other parties outside of 'The Big Five' (or Seven depending on your location). All parties are worth a look at, and weighing up positives against negatives. As well as the parties mentioned in the 'Other Parties' section on the BBC list of parties, there are others specific to your local areas, so maybe look at your constituencies election list.

Today is the last day to register to vote and I'm about to bombard you with links that might help you make a decision or inform you as to why you should vote. Personally, I've been struggling to find information in a concise and easy-to-understand manner so I'm collating all links I've found helpful...

Before I leave you with said links, I'm going to embed a spoken word animation from Grist & Larsen (two incredibly talented creative people) on why you shouldn't just sit and let the election happen without having your say...

Which Party Will You Go To? - Grist & Larsen (link)

REGISTER TO VOTE: https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote

BBC Policy Guide & List of Parties: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election/2015/manifesto-guide

vInspired: Swing The Vote: (all things you need to know about politics, jargon free): http://swingthevote.vinspired.com

Vote Match - Quiz: http://election2015.votematch.org

Sunday Recap #2

It’s been one of those weeks again. I’m not quite sure how I’d explain what ‘one of those weeks’ are, but it includes listening to music, feeling ill due to anxiety and ‘stress’ and feeling like you haven’t got nearly enough done, because your bed is a lot more comforting than the outside world.

I’ve got coursework deadlines looming (as always pft) and although I’m feeling a lot more confident than I was before Easter, I just want to get it handed in and over with now. My other blog has had some crazy big artists on it, and there are some more on their way, but with A Levels, my inbox and blog drafts have been left to wilt, much like the daffodils in recent weeks.

On a better and more positive note, I’ve had a restricted technology weekend and I’ve loved it. When things get too much, I often spend a day or two in bed, but this weekend I was determined to not let it get to me. So instead I turned off my internet (apart from posting a photo last night), barely went on my phone and chilled. Yesterday, I admit I did get a fair amount of work done in the morning, but I ventured down to the coast, slept for a couple of hours and then enjoyed some fish and chips with a couple of glasses of white wine, whilst chatting with music backing the conversations. This morning, I woke up without a headache (the first time in at least a week), got some coursework done and then finished reading ‘After Aushwitz’ by Eva Schloss. Again, just chilling with music and then cooking up some chicken fajitas, which seems to be my signature dish!

Now, I’m back home and with an early start and long day ahead of me tomorrow, I’m uploading this and then spending my evening sorting out interview questions for MIT Blog to be emailed ASAP.

I also fell in love with a song this week. This doesn’t happen often, I like a lot of songs and certain live or acoustic performances of songs, but there aren’t many songs that I will listen to at least a couple of times every single day. Songs that make that list are ‘Sweet Disposition’ by The Temper Trap, ‘Little Lion Man’ by Mumford & Sons, ‘End Credits’ by Chase & Status, ‘The Funeral’ either the original by Band of Horses or Nina Nesbitt’s cover and then M83 and Dodie Clark’s music in general. This is ‘Keep’ by The White Raven, Bon Iver meets Amber Run meets Biffy/Kings. Link below:

Keep - The White Raven (link)